Dear Blog Boyfriend, I Have Strayed...

And thats why I'm such a mess right now. I haven't blogged in a long while.

Shows done, time to study. Time to get back to being me.

The Olympics featured figure skating these past few weeks, and it has brought a glorious light to my life. Now its done and I am making a list of all the things I need to keep doing, or do more often.

1) Get up no later than 8am. 6am on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

2) Study for three hours a day.

3) Go to the gym for an hour every day.

4) Be Prepared for my classes.

5) Be a better person.

Be a better person.

Calm down, relax, breathe, and be better.

Apologize when I need to Apologize, listen when I need to listen, mean what I say, and say what I mean.

I am not ever going to do something, just because someone else has done something. I won't act in retaliation.

A few weeks ago I had a realization that no one is as nice and lovely and wonderful as I want them to be, or as I give them credit for, and this week that included myself.

I am sorry. I am better than that. I am better than this. And I will be better.

Today.

I'm Not Mean! I Am Sassy. Sassy and Lovely.

I have been so sassy these days. Its lovely.

I have been upfront with my teachers about how their teaching makes me feel, and even thought it makes a couple of classes sort of uncomfortable, I am still kind of proud of myself.

Also my most favorite thing of all time is happening right now.

The Winter Olympics

I spend most of my free time daydreaming about what an amazing figure skater I would be if only my mom had kept her promise to get me figure skating lessons. Gold Medal!

But really I love when everyone in the world is watching figure skating because I feel so smart and knowledgeable. In the know.

Also Valentines Day passed. I went to rehearsal, and ordered a pizza.

Love

Lets Be Polite, Shall We?

Okay, so today alone I have noticed a lot of not so polite happenings in my surroundings. For example, its a snow-storm today, and as I am getting on the bus this morning, worrying about my extra bitchin' fauxhawk melting in the weather, about 3 6 foot tall guys push their way in front of me in line.

Remember the days when guys would stand up so a girl could sit down on the bus, or stood up when a woman walked into a room, or "ladies first"? I mean, I wasn't born yet, but still, I know that it existed and I know that I am seriously missing out!

Then, I go to Starbucks like I do every Tuesday after my early 8 am class, to spend some time delving into a script or doing sudoku, or reading the paper, just loving my twoish hours of free time, and as I'm walking there I am thinking about the seat by the fire, which is warm and cozy, as opposed to the rest of the cafe, which is kind of chilly, you know, to get you to buy more warm drinks. So I go and order my Triple Venti White Mocha, because its just one of those days, when this girl walks in, pushes past me and heads straight for the perfect fireside table, WITHOUT ORDERING A DRINK FIRST, and then she goes up and gets in line.

Does she not know cafe do's and don'ts. Do order your drink first, don't be a ho-ho. Not hard to follow.

Right now I am sitting three tables away from the fire. Freezing. I did, however, make sure I turned my phone ringer on and texted my most texty friends, as well as put the most annoying ringtone on, and tried to have a loud phone conversation, but Heather is in class.

Also, there is a guy in sunglasses inside staring at me. But he's like 40. And creepin' me out. Word.

Fierce

You Can't Take It With You!

But you really can't.

Spend all your money before you die and have a bitchin' time! Don't ever do anything you don't want to do and don't worry about the consequences.

Okay but really it was a really fun time.

I think I need to keep doing a really fun show while I am focusing on these super depressing scenes in class.

Seriously, it is really depressing to keep doing scenes about families that are dysfunctional and hate each other, because there is only one play about a happy family, and we just finished it.

Next is Speech & Debate. Where I get to crush student's hopes, dreams, and creativity with censorship and annoyance. Effin' Awesome.

Striving to be Happy

So I was walking along today, to work or class or something, and I was thinking about how busy I was. I was thinking about what to say to my boss when I describe how busy I am with two shows. You see, she Emailed me this week about my lack of attendance, asking if I wanted to be suspended until fall semester, when I'll be less busy. I thought "Well of course I'm not going to be less busy. Hopefully I won't be less busy. Hopefully I'll be in a show." When I got to work my boss wasn't there, but the Russian volunteer Vera was. I just love talking to Vera. She asked how my semester was going and I told her about You Can't Take it With You, and she said "You are finished now?" She meant if I had enough performance requirements to graduate. I do. But I thought "Well I'm done for the semester, but hopefully not done for my College career!"

No one gets it but us.

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. I could have a normal major where I spend time in the library, and have friends in different departments with different majors and meeting a straight man isn't a novelty. I could have time for reading and eating and sleeping and working out.

But I like who I am.

I like that I like to clean when I am stressed, when I am mad, when I am tired.

I like that I am not easy.

I like that I am a good actor, even though I have a lot to learn from my peers and my teachers.

I like that I like good music.

I like that I don't drink as much as I want to.

I like that when I drink, I'm still not very adventurous.

Sometimes I get really lonely. I wish I had someone to go to Meijer with me or just sit and watch movies or just talk to. Someone to give all my affection to, because I have a lot. I am a show-er, not a say-er.

But then I remember all the awkward parts. I remember having to plan my life around/with someone else, I remember how I would get upset. Dealing with meeting parents and families and hurting feelings and being scared.

"Anything would be better than this Nothing".

I can't decide. Not like I have the option or anything.

Torn.